PeopleStripes.org - Helping families make the most of personality differences.

Helping families make the most of personality differences.

18 Results tagged "Communication"

Daydreaming the Future
LINK COPIED TO CLIPBOARD

TAGS: Communication, Intuition, Parenting, Sensing, Teenagers

The “What If?” Game: Daydreaming the Future

Yvonne Nelson-Reid, B.Ed., M.A.
YVONNE NELSON-REID, B.Ed., M.A., is a mother of 5, writer, teacher, depth psychologist, and career coach. As a certified MBTI and MMTIC professional, she uses typology as a tool for helping others understand differences and communicate more effectively.
View full author bio | Close

Do you ever play the "What if?" game? I am not sure if it is a real game, but it is one I have played way too often! As hard as I try to live in the here and now, to focus on what is in front of me in that moment, within seconds I find my mind wandering to what might be just around the corner, which leads me to what might happen next week, or next year, or 10 years from now.

Honestly, I can easily drive myself insane. The ideas seem to pop up all over the place making connections and creating patterns, some of which feel visionary, while others feel just plain crazy.

My preference for intuition supports this style of generating ideas and absorbing information. I use intuition in my inner world where unconscious ideas flow into consciousness. Information is received with flashes of insight and can appear as if it came from out-of-the blue.


Imagining and long-term visioning are natural and comfortable when intuition is used in this way. As you can see, the "What if?" game is ideal for those with this preference. Three of my children use intuition in the same way. When we get together you can feel the energy rise in the room where it almost feels electric. What is unknown is exciting for us!

Although this is a good fit for us, not all paths lead to goodness, and sometimes our fantasies can take us down scary, dark paths. We can feed off each other. As much as we enjoy exploring endless opportunities, we tend to forget those who do not. Based on experience, my other two children who prefer sensing in their inner world tend to panic when we dive into this game, fearing what lies ahead unless they can connect it to something they have already done.

Taking in information through sensing in the inner world calls for a more methodical process as they funnel everything through their past experiences. While I thrive off what's unknown, people who prefer sensing can find this stressful and experience severe anxiety.

As an example, my husband has a career that often brings in offers from other companies with potential positions in other parts of the country, or even the world. They do not all pan out, of course, but out of the many opportunities, some have, which means we have moved a couple of times.

First, they reach out to him with a position; then comes the offer letter, if he is interested. The time between these two moments, which can sometimes take months, creates the perfect "What if?" environment! In order to consider a family move, I need to look far down the road and imagine all the potentialities. Logically I realize that until we have the details, this might just be a waste of my time and a big stressor to those family members who prefer to wait and  get all the facts before making the decision - or at least enough facts to get started on a realistic path.

For me the comfort lies in considering all the possible directions, even imaginary ones, that a new move could take us. As the kids get older, which presents its own set of problems (as you can imagine), they deal with these situations in their own way.

My "What if?" kids play the game with me, while my "details and facts" kids do not want to talk about it at all. Awareness and sensitivity are considerations I have had to learn over the years, reminding myself that not everyone wants to play the game. Over time I have learned that it is okay to share excitement in all possibilities, but slowing the pace and acknowledging the past is crucial for everyone to feel included in the game.



PeopleStripes.org article
LINK COPIED TO CLIPBOARD

TAGS: Choices, Communication, Compromise, Decision Making, Differences, Self-Management, Teenagers

Motivation Matters: Give a Moose a Muffin

Yvonne Nelson-Reid, B.Ed., M.A.
YVONNE NELSON-REID, B.Ed., M.A., is a mother of 5, writer, teacher, depth psychologist, and career coach. As a certified MBTI and MMTIC professional, she uses typology as a tool for helping others understand differences and communicate more effectively.
View full author bio | Close

Summer is over and as we head into fall and a busy school season, balancing schedules can be a challenge. While trying to adjust schedules, keep in mind personality differences. What might be thrilling for some of your kids may be terrifying for others and exhausting for you, especially if they don't drive yet.

Motivation matters. It is the core of our personality that motivates us, and this shines through in several different ways depending upon our personality type.

Our 16-year-old daughter (ENFJ) has always been eager to spend time with friends and engage in many activities. With four other children, it wasn't always possible to meet her needs, and although we could tell she would get disappointed, she rarely complained because maintaining harmony and avoiding conflict is key to who she is as a person.

Driving now, with her own car, her new-found freedom and desire to please everyone has ramped up her social life. This is where "give a moose a muffin" comes into play. We are originally from Canada and one of our favorite children's books goes by this title. Essentially, the premise is that if you let the moose do one thing, it will ask to do another, and another, and another... continuing in this way.

You might have guessed what our daughter's nickname is, yes, it's Moose! "Mom can I pick up my friend and go for ice cream?" "Mom, can we now go to her place to hang out and do homework?" "Mom, is it okay if we see a movie?" On and on and on... it never seems to end.

For her, motivation is about being with people, encouraging and supporting them, and making them happy, at times at the expense of her own needs. We quickly discovered that limits need to be placed, and she thanks us for setting them. I think even for her, knowing when to stop is challenging. We got back from a trip to Canada recently and within a minute, "Moose" was out the door. Enthusiastic and social, she brightens the life of those around her. Limits help her to keep on shining.

Speaking of motivation, here is another example. Our 18-year-old daughter (INTJ) is motivated by ideas, complex inner pictures of the present and the future, all supported by logic to help organize her external world. For her, it is about coming up with an idea, then implementing it.

When motivated she makes things happen. This past summer, while looking into possible jobs, we suggested working in a restaurant or fast food place because they often hire students over the summer. She wanted nothing to do with it. Teaching and working with special needs children is her dream job, and this fall as a college freshman she hopes to fulfill this dream.

In her mind, it only made sense that she should care for a child with special needs over the summer. To her credit, she did it! All on her own! Reaching out to a teacher she worked with during her senior year internship in a special needs class, she secured a job helping a family over the summer. She also volunteered for summer camps with special needs children. To top it off, these summer positions have led her into part-time work this fall as she begins her studies in this area.

When she wants to make something happen, she can, regardless of what we might have to say. Her motivation led her to a summer job she truly enjoyed, and now part-time employment while in college. Let me just say, if what we want her to do does not appeal to her vision, and if we can't back it with logic, no matter how hard we try, we can't make her do anything!

When motivated, we can do anything! What motivates us is often linked to our personality type.




Preparing for the 21st Century
LINK COPIED TO CLIPBOARD

TAGS: Careers, Communication, Self-Management, Teenagers

Preparing for the 21st Century

Elizabeth Murphy, Ed.D.
ELIZABETH MURPHY, Ed.D., is a psychologist and type expert whose research focuses on verifying the development of normal personality differences according to the theory of psychological type. She works extensively with families and teams of people to improve communication and resolve relationship needs.
View full author bio | Close

When families are first introduced to type the excitement is mainly about knowing the child's preferences and how to use that knowledge to make family life better and the child more successful in life.  It is all about the child recognizing the specialty of their personality type and helping them develop that to its fullest potential.

In his new book, Range (published May 2019), author David Epstein asserts it will be the generalist who is better prepared for the world than the specialist.  The book description states it is "the ground-breaking and exhilarating exploration into how to succeed in the 21st Century."  How do we reconcile wanting our children to become the best they can be at their type (specialist) with the call for a generalist approach?  There is a way.

In his book Epstein discusses well-rounded success and posits that having diverse experiences is best for success.  You do more than just expose your children to options.  You discuss these and reflect on that experience.  He terms it self-regulatory learning.  You "expose broadly and reflect on that experience."  It sounds like a good rule to follow but how do I follow that and still respect my child's individuality?  Here is one option.

Knowing about type differences and validating the worth of those differences can be done through our daily language with children by verbalizing opposite choices.  "Some children like to get their work done first and then play.  Others like to play while they work.  Both are fine.  One way may work better for you.  The other works better for someone else.  The key is to know which is your best way and to get the job done.  Everyone has to get the job done." (An example of the Judging-Perceiving difference.)

Another example might be to say, "Some children like to lead by being the person on the stage or in front and others like to lead by being the ideas behind the scene that set the stage for the work to follow.  Both are valuable.  Find your way but know the other way may be better for someone else." (An Extraversion-Introversion difference.)

"Some work better with clear and precise directions while others work better with more open-ended kinds of tasks" (a Sensing-Intuition difference).  

"Some give direct and maybe critical feedback they believe will help the project succeed better while others solicit the input of others and focus on a collaborative approach to project generation" (a Thinking-Feeling difference).  

Adding the vocabulary of difference to your language with your children engenders a greater awareness of options that Epstein suggests will be necessary for success in the next century.

When do I go for diversity of experiences and when do I focus on my child's individual type?  My suggestion is this:  When life is calm encourage your children to try activities outside of their natural preferences "just for the experience."  After trying something once they can evaluate whether they want to repeat the experience of not.  When a child is stressed or tense because of events in his/her life use what you know about type to respond in the way that works best for that type.

An introverted child may not want to "talk" when they are upset but really appreciate a hug and your company.  An extraverted child might say many things they wish they could take back when upset, but just listen without judgment.  Focus only on the problem that is current.  Help them experience the breadth of options that Epstein proposes when they have their energy free for exploration but when their energy is limited because it is being drained by a life issue, deliver assistance in a way that matches their type.  That is not a time for stretching to new ways.

Epstein also suggested that the individual "reflect on their experiences."  Instead of just admiring what a child does, a type approach would suggest talking with them about what makes a project fun and what is required to complete the project - the work!   An excellent model for this technique is the Z-approach to decision making, where we look at the experience from a Sensing, Intuitive, Thinking and Feeling perspective.

Type does not operate in a vacuum.  The concepts can blend with other ideas offered for helping children be prepared for a future with challenges that will be unique for their generation.  It is the blend of type awareness (and use) with the other good ideas that will really prepare our children to succeed in the 21st century.



PeopleStripes.org article
LINK COPIED TO CLIPBOARD

TAGS: Relationships, Communication, Encouragement, Parenting

Meet, Greet, Repeat – Sweet!

Elizabeth Murphy, Ed.D.
ELIZABETH MURPHY, Ed.D., is a psychologist and type expert whose research focuses on verifying the development of normal personality differences according to the theory of psychological type. She works extensively with families and teams of people to improve communication and resolve relationship needs.
View full author bio | Close

Children need to feel welcomed when they enter a room.  When they are ignored, it can inadvertently send the signal that they are not welcome, or worse, not even noticed.  This applies at home as well as at school.

We greet with words, with actions, and with nonverbal body and eye language. Does anyone remember the clever hand greeting between Annie James and her chauffeur in the movie, The Parent Trap?  Her twin, Hallie Parker, had to learn it exactly if they were going to be able to pull off their charade and switch families.  If you notice they were smiling when they did the routine.

Some teachers have established innovative ways to greet the children in their classes.  Most importantly, they greet each child each day.

One teacher of adolescents created a unique handshake for each student.  He stands at the door of his class and greets each one in their special way.  Although I admire that style it is not one that would work for me.  I would spend more time worrying about my handshake memory than actually welcoming the student.


Some elementary teachers have created a visual they hang right at the doorway.  It includes a heart, a fist-bump, a handshake, and a high-five.  As each child enters, they touch the greeting they would like from the teacher that day.  I love that they get to choose and I like the variety of options.  You could add a wave, a bow/curtsy, or a mind-meld.  Any options are fine so long as the child is greeted every day in a way that matches their comfort level.

Why every day?  Have you ever seen a dog welcome their owner when they see them?  Some bark but mostly they swish their tail vigorously.  They are saying, "I am thrilled to see you."  Everyone knows what a wagging tail means.  Unfortunately, humans are not so obvious.  More than once I have heard a child say, "Ms. So and So does not like me.  She never even notices I am here."  Usually, the teacher is busy with some desk-task that had to be done and it had nothing to do with the child.  But that is the action the child perceives.  We have to become obvious.  We have to let them know they are welcome.

One year a teacher referred most of her class for behavior assessments because the children's behavior was so disrespectful and disruptive.  We asked her to spend two weeks greeting each child as they entered the room and to smile while doing it.  Then we would look at the list.  Amazingly (to her) the number went from a majority of students to one or two.  Her lack of connecting with the children created an adversarial learning environment.  By greeting them and connecting with them the whole dynamic changed.
 
The "Meet and Greet" is not just for school.  Home needs it, too.  Often parents are doing something and yell, "Is that you? Hi."  That is not the same as Meet and Greet.  The parent needs to stop what they are doing for the moment, face the child, and greet them any way that works. Don't say, "Give mom/dad a kiss or hug."  That is the child greeting you.  Say, "Let me hug, high-five or whatever you.  I am so glad to see you again." The whole process takes 3-5 seconds but makes a world of difference.

It works with a spouse or partner, too.  No matter what was happening when my husband came home I would greet him in the same spot for a hug and a kiss.  Some days we were not really talking to each other because we were fussing about an issue, but we never stopped our greetings.   The greeting confirmed the relationship even though there were issues to be resolved.

As I said, humans need to be obvious. They also need to be consistent.  Meet, greet, and repeat daily and you'll reap the benefits of a well-grounded relationship that can withstand the pressures of learning difficulties, anger, and frustrations that seep into most of our lives.

Don't forget to smile.




College Search Adventure
LINK COPIED TO CLIPBOARD

TAGS: Decision Making, Guiding, Listening, College, Communication, Parenting, Teenagers

The College Search Adventure

Mollie Allen, M.Ed.
MOLLIE ALLEN, M.ED., is a certified coach, teacher and consultant working with groups and individuals. With undergraduate degrees in Child Development and Special Education and a M.Ed. in Administration and Supervision she worked in schools and in private practice with students of all ages and levels for 25 years.
View full author bio | Close

The college selection process can be a trying, anxiety making, argumentative experience, or a time for healthy introspection, self-learning and a step toward the passage to adulthood.

In my case, the college selection season was long. As a parent of four it lasted nearly eight years. The experience was a learning opportunity for me and my children as we moved to a new stage of family life.  Before it was complete, I was offering these students ideas on how to choose a college that fit their self-image in the moment and in the possible future.

My first lesson was discovering the number of ways a student could complete college. I went to a panel of post-high school students called "What Comes After High School." One student had gone into the service; another had a "gap year," volunteering while living at home; another went to a community technical college; one went the traditional route; and another was alternating a year at college with hiking sections of the Appalachian Trail.

That panel was helpful because it changed my parental expectations of the college experience, and encouraged a broad look of what that might be like. But the panel didn't get into the nuts and bolts of the actual process of the college search and associated decision making.


To me and my friends, the senior year college search seemed like a massive capstone project, with each student approaching it more or less the same way they took on projects from third grade on. When we talked it was often about the process itself, how it could be distracting and disruptive because it went on so long, how there were so many ways to do it and how ownership was murky. Plus, it seemed, beneath the paperwork and timelines, something was lost. The examination of and attention to what mattered to others outweighed what mattered to students. Other than the essay and a high school resume there was little to suggest a high school junior or senior would benefit from devoting some time to gaining self-knowledge.

By the time I had my stories about the college search experience to tell other parents, I was wondering how to make it an opportunity for students to learn about themselves and their decision-making habits. I offered services to family and friends ("Thank goodness," a friend said. "I don't have to watch or ask, and I still know things are getting done.")

With a hands-off but supportive attitude, I offered opportunities to look at issues not typically considered by juniors and seniors on the "find a college mission." With me they devoted time to learning about their personality and mindset, and how these factors influence their decision-making process.

They investigated the overlap of academic values and learning styles. They looked at their skills, their strengths and weaknesses, and what they liked and disliked. They used the Z decision making model and they went off to campus visits with purposeful questions. When it came time to wondering if a college "matched" there was more to consider than just GPA, test scores, and extracurricular activities.

Over the years, I learned that personality type is not the only factor to consider when selecting a college. In fact, I would caution against operating as if a certain personality will do better in college X than college Y. I believe the more we know about ourselves and our decision-making process, the better our decisions will be, and we should explore all avenues of self-knowledge.

When I heard about the most recent college admission scandals, I was a bit surprised but not shocked. Some elements of the process have become so over emphasized. The student's personal experience is losing its centrality.

The college quest is a unique time and opportunity for students and parents.  It is a threshold of newness in the family as someone steps into adulthood. There are ways for students and parents to honor this passage without letting it become more than what it is: an opportunity to dive into the world and find our place in it.





Go to next page