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little girl pointing at younger brother who is yelling

Time Out – Discipline or Reward?

Feb 12, 2018
Yvonne Nelson-Reid, PhD
YVONNE NELSON-REID, Ph.D., is the Vice President of Education and Programs at Myers & Briggs Foundation®️ (M&BF), the editor/lead writer for the People Stripes® website, a mother of 5, writer, teacher (BEd, MA), depth psychologist – Jungian and archetypal studies (MA, PhD), and career coach. Parenting, teaching in a classroom, or on the ice as a figure skating coach has taught her a great deal about relationships and the importance of communication.
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Why is it that some discipline tactics are punishment for some, but a reward for others? We are all different. Understanding and appreciating those differences can be a helpful guide in how we choose to parent our child and the efficiency in doing so.

What works for one might not always work for another. As one who thrives on the interactions of being around other people, my greatest childhood punishment was time out. I could hear giggly conversations that I just knew were key to our human survival and I was missing it! World problems were being solved, and again, I was missing it!

Okay, well perhaps I exaggerate, but point made, I hated being isolated. Clearly, this type of discipline worked for me, in particular as a deterrent to bad behavior, but certainly not as rehabilitation as I fumed around my room like a caged animal eager to be set free.

Time out was a popular parenting tool when my children came along and was often recommended across the board. Knowing how it affected me, I of course employed this tactic with my first child. I would listen outside her door fully expecting outrage on the other side, only to hear nothing but silence. I would wait a minute or two then peek in her room only to find her playing peacefully in a corner content as can be.

My reflective and introspective daughter was fully engaged in play, enjoying her time to be on her own. Clearly, time out for her was not a deterrent for bad behavior, but more of a reward for much appreciated alone time.

Once my second daughter came along, time out for her was torment. She would consistently remind us that she was in her room announcing each minute as it passed or before telling time, asking us every few seconds if she was done yet, whereas, I?m embarrassed to admit, our oldest would often be in time out the longest since we would forget she was even there!

Time out, as a discipline tool, clearly works for some but not others. It gave my first daughter time to reenergize and reflect, my second daughter a time to rage and dispense her frustration, and Mom a little break to gather thoughts, find patience, and perhaps even complete an errand or two.

For me, the best part of time outs were the reflective conversations afterwards, all smothered in hugs.

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Related Content

Timing: Type Tip #2

Use backward chaining to help perceiving-preferenced students to gauge when to begin assignments. Ask them to name the last moment they can begin and still get the work done. Consider possible interferences and let them wait to produce. One mom asked, "Wouldn't they be more comfortable if they just did their homework on Friday night? Then they would have the whole weekend worry-free. They already have the weekend worry-free.The younger the child the greater the chance they will underestimate the amount of time it will take to complete an assignment, especially if it is a new kind of assignment. Teach them better timing. It is not about irresponsibility. It is about timing.

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mom holding a book and pointing to daughter who is looking downwards

The Bungee Cord Between Setting Limits and Respecting Choices with Middle School Tweens

Jun 20, 2018
Elizabeth Murphy, EdD
ELIZABETH MURPHY, EdD, is a psychologist and type expert whose research focuses on verifying the development of normal personality differences according to the theory of psychological type. She works extensively with families and teams of people to improve communication and resolve relationship needs.
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Parents of children in middle school can feel they are caught by a bungee cord that whips them between giving their child independence and being fearful that the child is not ready to make decisions. Children this age are trying to establish their values as separate from the family, while at the same time loving the family and wanting to be part of that value system. Both parent and child experience the push and pull of this time period.

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Mom with palm out to teen boy who is turned away from her

Persuasion Does Not Work for All Children

Apr 09, 2018
Elizabeth Murphy, EdD
ELIZABETH MURPHY, EdD, is a psychologist and type expert whose research focuses on verifying the development of normal personality differences according to the theory of psychological type. She works extensively with families and teams of people to improve communication and resolve relationship needs.
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Usually children approach school and authority figures from two different perspectives. One is a "teacher pleaser." They want the teacher to like them so they will more frequently do whatever the teacher asks in order to be in the teacher's favor. The second style is a "rule follower." If there is a rule (a reasonable and good rule), this child is willing to comply. The first kind of child responds positively to persuasion from a teacher. The second does not. For the second child, persuasion merely suggests there are two choices.

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Rewarding Reading: Type Tip #5

Kids with an intuitive preference self-report reading more books than kids with a sensing preference, but sensing kids tend to read more magazines, articles, and shorter pieces of information. Schools that reward students for the number of books they read may have a hidden bias in favor of the intuitive. The problem can be solved by rewarding the students for the number of minutes spent reading, rather than the number of books read, which allows a variety of ways for reading to be recognized.

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three children brushing their teeth

School Morning Routines… or Not

Jul 02, 2018
Yvonne Nelson-Reid, PhD
YVONNE NELSON-REID, Ph.D., is the Vice President of Education and Programs at Myers & Briggs Foundation®️ (M&BF), the editor/lead writer for the People Stripes® website, a mother of 5, writer, teacher (BEd, MA), depth psychologist – Jungian and archetypal studies (MA, PhD), and career coach. Parenting, teaching in a classroom, or on the ice as a figure skating coach has taught her a great deal about relationships and the importance of communication.
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As a parent, I am sure you will relate well to this one! School mornings … chaos! Everyone has somewhere they need to be, each with their own schedule and arrival times. Our society does not function on going at your own pace or getting there when you get there.

You would think that those who typically get up late and run out at the last minute would be the most stressed, but not in our house! Those are the kids who seem most chill about throwing on their clothes, probably yesterday’s clothes, popping a mint, and putting their hair up in a messy ponytail.

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little boy laying face down in time-out on a wood bench

Toss That Time-Out Chair: Use the Z-Model

Jan 17, 2019
Elizabeth Murphy, EdD
ELIZABETH MURPHY, EdD, is a psychologist and type expert whose research focuses on verifying the development of normal personality differences according to the theory of psychological type. She works extensively with families and teams of people to improve communication and resolve relationship needs.
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Time-out is a staple in the set of parenting tools for managing a child’s inappropriate behaviors. Time-out was a good alternative to spanking children but we can do even better. Try changing the chair to a Problem-Solving chair.

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dad and little girl at beach, dad handing girl a wood, fully rigged sailing ship

Not the Typical Gifts for Our Kids

Jun 25, 2019
Elizabeth Murphy, EdD
ELIZABETH MURPHY, EdD, is a psychologist and type expert whose research focuses on verifying the development of normal personality differences according to the theory of psychological type. She works extensively with families and teams of people to improve communication and resolve relationship needs.
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Finding a gift for a child can be a real joy, and that activity varies if you are the parent or the grandparent. This People Stripes article offers a few ideas you might not have considered when picking out a gift that might truly be appreciated.

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