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teen boy wearing an apron and doing the dishes

It’s Your Turn to do the Dishes

Apr 03, 2018
Elizabeth Murphy, EdD
ELIZABETH MURPHY, EdD, is a psychologist and type expert whose research focuses on verifying the development of normal personality differences according to the theory of psychological type. She works extensively with families and teams of people to improve communication and resolve relationship needs.
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When two siblings have the same family chore to do at different times it is easy to observe how each person approaches the task in different ways. Our family's task of doing dishes came with a dilemma.

My daughter (10) had a preference for "getting the job done." She would go to the kitchen and clean everything as quickly as possible so she could have more time for play. My son (8) would see this as a moment to play while getting the job done. Of course, that plan takes more time. My husband's approach to life more closely matched that of my daughter so he thought her way was good and effective. My son's way drove him crazy.

My son thought that every piece of work should be treated with respect but handled with fun. Therefore, he would make up games to play while doing the dishes. He would clean half the table, then do part of the floor, then play with the hose used to rinse dishes. He was fine. He was happy. He was working. My husband was pacing the room totally agitated. His comments included: "Why does he have to do that?", "Why can't he finish one thing and then go to the next?", "Why must everything be a game and take so long?"

So when it was my son's turn to do the dishes we made my husband leave the house. He had to go take a walk or do something else and when he came back, if there was anything wrong with the job that was done, he could criticize my son. If there was not, then my husband had to acknowledge that it was not the output that was problematic but the process, the way my son had chosen to get the job done.

Acknowledging we have children with inherent and different ways of getting a job done means we should shift our focus to the output. Did the job get done well? One child may take longer but that can be OK. If a time limit is necessary just tell the child that they only have an hour and the child will get the job done within that time frame. The other child may be more time efficient but the quality of work may be the same. Judging a child's work by the product completed rather than the process allows different styles to each be effective in the home.

What if the child does not do a good job? Then likely it is not about style differences. Perhaps the child needs to be taught how to load the dishwasher. Perhaps the child is pulling a "con" to see if they can pretend incompetence and someone will take over the job. Perhaps they are just being lazy and refusing to do the job competently because they don't care.

When any of these happen, you reach in your bag of parenting tools and pull out other interventions. I would suggest telling the child they can leave the kitchen when the job is done adequately. Then ask if they need any help or guidance to understand what is expected. DO NOT show them by doing the job for them. DO NOT lecture on what they should be doing. Instead, remain calm, state once that the kitchen cleanup is their task for the evening and you look forward to reading a book together or doing something fun when they finish. Walk away.

Praise the completed task. Make no comment on the way the job was done. You can ask if they need any advice for their next time to clean the kitchen but allow them to get the job done in their best way, but get the job done.

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Related Content

Session 9: Guiding vs. Directing

In this session Dr. Murphy tackles the topic of coaching parents to guide their children rather than direct their children. This is an important difference in parenting technique.

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dad and young teen daughter working on a project

A Bike, a Trash Can, and a Lesson in Self-Management

Apr 03, 2018
Elizabeth Murphy, EdD
ELIZABETH MURPHY, EdD, is a psychologist and type expert whose research focuses on verifying the development of normal personality differences according to the theory of psychological type. She works extensively with families and teams of people to improve communication and resolve relationship needs.
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A father was taking his young daughter on a ride using her brand-new bike with training wheels. I watched the little girl riding on the sidewalk. The father was running ahead moving any trashcan that was in the way or little twigs that might be a bump for her. Basically, he was doing his best to make it a perfectly fine path for the child to ride.

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mom holding a book and pointing to daughter who is looking downwards

The Bungee Cord Between Setting Limits and Respecting Choices with Middle School Tweens

Jun 20, 2018
Elizabeth Murphy, EdD
ELIZABETH MURPHY, EdD, is a psychologist and type expert whose research focuses on verifying the development of normal personality differences according to the theory of psychological type. She works extensively with families and teams of people to improve communication and resolve relationship needs.
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Parents of children in middle school can feel they are caught by a bungee cord that whips them between giving their child independence and being fearful that the child is not ready to make decisions. Children this age are trying to establish their values as separate from the family, while at the same time loving the family and wanting to be part of that value system. Both parent and child experience the push and pull of this time period.

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teen girl leaning on back the back of her chair

Different Views of Decision-Making

Apr 16, 2018
Yvonne Nelson-Reid, PhD
YVONNE NELSON-REID, PhD, is the Senior Development Associate at Myers & Briggs Foundation (M&BF®), the publisher for the People Stripes® website, a mother of 5, writer, teacher (BEd, MA), depth psychologist – Jungian and archetypal studies (MA, PhD), and career coach. Parenting, teaching in a classroom, or on the ice as a figure skating coach has taught her a great deal about relationships and the importance of communication.
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Last summer we moved from Virginia to Texas, leaving behind our college-aged daughter who was about to enter her sophomore year. It was a tough year for us both. She was homesick and I missed her dearly.

Over her December break, she started thinking about transferring schools so that she could move closer to us. Although this is what I had been hoping for, I knew this needed to be her decision. I could listen, I could lend support, and perhaps even encouraging words, but all in all, she needed to be the one to decide.

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young boy doing schoolwork, head back, cheeks rounded, and mouth blowing out air

End of School, End of Report Period, End of Patience

Jun 12, 2018
Yvonne Nelson-Reid, PhD
YVONNE NELSON-REID, PhD, is the Senior Development Associate at Myers & Briggs Foundation (M&BF®), the publisher for the People Stripes® website, a mother of 5, writer, teacher (BEd, MA), depth psychologist – Jungian and archetypal studies (MA, PhD), and career coach. Parenting, teaching in a classroom, or on the ice as a figure skating coach has taught her a great deal about relationships and the importance of communication.
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There is nothing I hate worse than seeing potential wasted. Getting that dreaded email or phone call from an exasperated teacher certainly does not help the situation.

Our school district has an online Parent Portal where parents can log in and monitor their child’s grades throughout the year. Now with five children this can become a full-time job in and of itself, so thankfully over the years there has not been a big need in my family to utilize this site, except with one child in particular.

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three children brushing their teeth

School Morning Routines… or Not

Jul 02, 2018
Yvonne Nelson-Reid, PhD
YVONNE NELSON-REID, PhD, is the Senior Development Associate at Myers & Briggs Foundation (M&BF®), the publisher for the People Stripes® website, a mother of 5, writer, teacher (BEd, MA), depth psychologist – Jungian and archetypal studies (MA, PhD), and career coach. Parenting, teaching in a classroom, or on the ice as a figure skating coach has taught her a great deal about relationships and the importance of communication.
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As a parent, I am sure you will relate well to this one! School mornings … chaos! Everyone has somewhere they need to be, each with their own schedule and arrival times. Our society does not function on going at your own pace or getting there when you get there.

You would think that those who typically get up late and run out at the last minute would be the most stressed, but not in our house! Those are the kids who seem most chill about throwing on their clothes, probably yesterday’s clothes, popping a mint, and putting their hair up in a messy ponytail.

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girl child looking at dresses hanging in a closet

Using Choices to Increase Individuality

Jul 18, 2018
Elizabeth Murphy, EdD
ELIZABETH MURPHY, EdD, is a psychologist and type expert whose research focuses on verifying the development of normal personality differences according to the theory of psychological type. She works extensively with families and teams of people to improve communication and resolve relationship needs.
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Teachers and parents often agree that individuality should be encouraged in the home and in the classroom, but sometimes we hear comments from teachers that sound like this: "How am I supposed to do that when there are more than 30 students in the class?"

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teacher and young students around a table looking at tablets

Learning Styles – Meeting the Needs of the Student

Aug 13, 2018
Yvonne Nelson-Reid, PhD
YVONNE NELSON-REID, PhD, is the Senior Development Associate at Myers & Briggs Foundation (M&BF®), the publisher for the People Stripes® website, a mother of 5, writer, teacher (BEd, MA), depth psychologist – Jungian and archetypal studies (MA, PhD), and career coach. Parenting, teaching in a classroom, or on the ice as a figure skating coach has taught her a great deal about relationships and the importance of communication.
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Time management is a big deal in school, especially considering the incredibly busy lives so many of our kids lead. Clearly, some kids like structure, using a planner to organize their daily activities and homework assignments, and we know many who don't. Teaching kids in a way that honors their different learning styles can help everyone succeed.

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kneeling mother holding finger up to little, pouting girl in front of candy shelves in a store

The Delicate Balance Between Compliance and Development

Aug 28, 2018
Elizabeth Murphy, EdD
ELIZABETH MURPHY, EdD, is a psychologist and type expert whose research focuses on verifying the development of normal personality differences according to the theory of psychological type. She works extensively with families and teams of people to improve communication and resolve relationship needs.
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When a child makes an independent choice, development occurs. We want to give children the freedom of wise decision making, but some decisions are not theirs to make. That’s when rules apply.

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man and teen boy sitting at piano talking

How was Your School Day? From No Response to an Overabundance of Details

Sep 12, 2018
Yvonne Nelson-Reid, PhD
YVONNE NELSON-REID, PhD, is the Senior Development Associate at Myers & Briggs Foundation (M&BF®), the publisher for the People Stripes® website, a mother of 5, writer, teacher (BEd, MA), depth psychologist – Jungian and archetypal studies (MA, PhD), and career coach. Parenting, teaching in a classroom, or on the ice as a figure skating coach has taught her a great deal about relationships and the importance of communication.
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Kids spend a great deal of time away from us during the day, either through day care or school, depending upon age and parents' schedules. So, what goes on during this time? If you are like me, one of the first things I ask the kids when they come home is, "How was your day?"

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woman's manicured hands writing on sticky notes

What’s Your POS (Parent Operating System)? And Where Does it Come From?

Oct 12, 2018
Mollie Allen, MEd
MOLLIE ALLEN, MEd, is a certified coach, teacher and consultant working with groups and individuals. With undergraduate degrees in Child Development and Special Education and a M.Ed. in Administration and Supervision she worked in schools and in private practice with students of all ages and levels for 25 years.
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A major challenge for some parents is learning how to support your children without forgetting about yourself. I developed habits and policies – my Parent Operating System – through experience and reflection. A foundational piece came after one “my project is due tomorrow” event.

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little boy holding a broom in one hand and a quarter in the other

Help or Hire?

Oct 01, 2018
Elizabeth Murphy, EdD
ELIZABETH MURPHY, EdD, is a psychologist and type expert whose research focuses on verifying the development of normal personality differences according to the theory of psychological type. She works extensively with families and teams of people to improve communication and resolve relationship needs.
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Children love when we wait on them hand and foot. Who doesn't? Sometimes, without meaning to, we inadvertently encourage children to feign helplessness because we rush to help too soon. Here is a suggested strategy that works well for those occasions.

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car steering wheel covered in sticky notes with appointments and lists

Over Scheduled – Knowing When Enough is Enough

Nov 30, 2018
Yvonne Nelson-Reid, PhD
YVONNE NELSON-REID, PhD, is the Senior Development Associate at Myers & Briggs Foundation (M&BF®), the publisher for the People Stripes® website, a mother of 5, writer, teacher (BEd, MA), depth psychologist – Jungian and archetypal studies (MA, PhD), and career coach. Parenting, teaching in a classroom, or on the ice as a figure skating coach has taught her a great deal about relationships and the importance of communication.
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How can you keep up with all your kids' scheduled activities? Here a few tips for managing the onslaught of after-school programs.

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For Me: Type Tip #7

If you are adamant about an opinion or a procedure, add the phrase "for me" at the end so the child knows other opinions may also have value. Instead of saying, "pineapple pizza is disgusting," say "pineapple pizza is disgusting for me." That was undoubtedly your intent but the explicit phrase opens the door for the young listener to have a different opinion.

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parents and young teen boy and girl at breakfast and talking

Family Meetings – Creating a Safe Environment Where Everyone has a Voice

Jan 09, 2019
Yvonne Nelson-Reid, PhD
YVONNE NELSON-REID, PhD, is the Senior Development Associate at Myers & Briggs Foundation (M&BF®), the publisher for the People Stripes® website, a mother of 5, writer, teacher (BEd, MA), depth psychologist – Jungian and archetypal studies (MA, PhD), and career coach. Parenting, teaching in a classroom, or on the ice as a figure skating coach has taught her a great deal about relationships and the importance of communication.
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When you see signs of frustration and misunderstandings in your family, it may be time for a family meeting. This People Stripes article gives a good example of the positive outcomes.

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little boy laying face down in time-out on a wood bench

Toss That Time-Out Chair: Use the Z-Model

Jan 17, 2019
Elizabeth Murphy, EdD
ELIZABETH MURPHY, EdD, is a psychologist and type expert whose research focuses on verifying the development of normal personality differences according to the theory of psychological type. She works extensively with families and teams of people to improve communication and resolve relationship needs.
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Time-out is a staple in the set of parenting tools for managing a child’s inappropriate behaviors. Time-out was a good alternative to spanking children but we can do even better. Try changing the chair to a Problem-Solving chair.

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father lecturing his teen son

Two Worlds: Extraversion and Introversion

Jan 31, 2019
Mollie Allen, MEd
MOLLIE ALLEN, MEd, is a certified coach, teacher and consultant working with groups and individuals. With undergraduate degrees in Child Development and Special Education and a M.Ed. in Administration and Supervision she worked in schools and in private practice with students of all ages and levels for 25 years.
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Taking time to reflect before making a decision is a good skill to have. Depending on their preferences, kids may either be good at it or may not recognize the importance of that inner conversation. This People Stripes article examines the manifestations of our inward and outward energies.

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teen girl and younger sister holding umbrellas with strange look on their faces

Helicopters and Snowplows

Apr 09, 2019
Elizabeth Murphy, EdD
ELIZABETH MURPHY, EdD, is a psychologist and type expert whose research focuses on verifying the development of normal personality differences according to the theory of psychological type. She works extensively with families and teams of people to improve communication and resolve relationship needs.
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If your first reaction as a parent is to dive in and solve problems for your kids, you might want to rethink that action. In this People Stripes article, Elizabeth Murphy cautions us to let our kids learn to make their own choices.

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three college students holding folders and books

The College Search Adventure

Apr 18, 2019
Mollie Allen, MEd
MOLLIE ALLEN, MEd, is a certified coach, teacher and consultant working with groups and individuals. With undergraduate degrees in Child Development and Special Education and a M.Ed. in Administration and Supervision she worked in schools and in private practice with students of all ages and levels for 25 years.
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Picking a college to attend is one of the biggest steps into the journey of adulthood. So many external forces are in play - it can be difficult to the student to focus on their own development and how that impacts the college decision. This People Stripes article offers a useful perspective on this adventure.

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close-up, back of sword throne from Game of Thrones

What do Game of Thrones and Type Have in Common?

Apr 26, 2019
Elizabeth Murphy, EdD
ELIZABETH MURPHY, EdD, is a psychologist and type expert whose research focuses on verifying the development of normal personality differences according to the theory of psychological type. She works extensively with families and teams of people to improve communication and resolve relationship needs.
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Characters on Game of Thrones are looking to leave a legacy, and that is a tough job for them. Luckily personality type can provide a more peaceful path towards creating a legacy that imprints a positive message on our loved ones. Elizabeth Murphy shows the way in this People Stripes article.

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young girl hugging her knees with her head on her knees

Failure is not an option - or is it?

May 16, 2019
Elizabeth Murphy, EdD
ELIZABETH MURPHY, EdD, is a psychologist and type expert whose research focuses on verifying the development of normal personality differences according to the theory of psychological type. She works extensively with families and teams of people to improve communication and resolve relationship needs.
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How do you support your children when they encounter a failure in their life? Moments of failure might actually be essential on the path to victory. This People Stripes article gives you tips on how to support differences in children's reactions to failure.

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parents and two young sons at dining table with dad pointing to a chores chart

Calling All Members to a Family Meeting!

Feb 26, 2020
Mollie Allen, MEd
MOLLIE ALLEN, MEd, is a certified coach, teacher and consultant working with groups and individuals. With undergraduate degrees in Child Development and Special Education and a M.Ed. in Administration and Supervision she worked in schools and in private practice with students of all ages and levels for 25 years.
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Time for a big family decision? When there are many things to discuss, many people will be involved, everyone will have to adjust, and the resolution won't happen overnight. Everyone needs to be heard, so a family meeting is the way to go.

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The Z Problem Solving Model

Family Holidays in the Time of COVID: Will We Celebrate Together?

Dec 22, 2020
Mollie Allen, MEd
MOLLIE ALLEN, MEd, is a certified coach, teacher and consultant working with groups and individuals. With undergraduate degrees in Child Development and Special Education and a M.Ed. in Administration and Supervision she worked in schools and in private practice with students of all ages and levels for 25 years.
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The holidays bring a big challenge to families who want to be together, especially in a pandemic. Fortunately we have a proven model for decision-making. The Zig Zag method walks us through Sending, Intuition, Thinking, and Feeling and helps us arrive at a decision that honors the facts and the people.

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mom with hands at temples, two children behind her having a pillow fight

Still Coping with Covid-19

Feb 17, 2021
Yvonne Nelson-Reid, PhD
YVONNE NELSON-REID, PhD, is the Senior Development Associate at Myers & Briggs Foundation (M&BF®), the publisher for the People Stripes® website, a mother of 5, writer, teacher (BEd, MA), depth psychologist – Jungian and archetypal studies (MA, PhD), and career coach. Parenting, teaching in a classroom, or on the ice as a figure skating coach has taught her a great deal about relationships and the importance of communication.
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Coping with Covid-19 continues to be a major challenge for families. In this People Stripes article Yvonne Nelson-Reid explores more type-based techniques for getting through these tough times.

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Introvert-Extravert Learners : Type Tip #9

We know from previous research that extraverts remember more of a chapter if they read it thoroughly AFTER the lecture or demonstration. Introverts tend to remember more if they read thoroughly BEFORE the lecture or demonstration. I would tell classes you must read the chapter thoroughly some time before the test but you can skim first before the lecture and read thoroughly later if that helps you be more efficient in your learning. Teaching students to monitor their best ways to learn is an important metacognitive skill.

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Families of differing type preferences supporting each other during a transition

How Type Can Impact Responses to Change (From the Kids)

Jul 06, 2021
Yvonne Nelson-Reid, PhD
YVONNE NELSON-REID, PhD, is the Senior Development Associate at Myers & Briggs Foundation (M&BF®), the publisher for the People Stripes® website, a mother of 5, writer, teacher (BEd, MA), depth psychologist – Jungian and archetypal studies (MA, PhD), and career coach. Parenting, teaching in a classroom, or on the ice as a figure skating coach has taught her a great deal about relationships and the importance of communication.
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In this first article, of the series "From the Kids", Yvonne Nelson-Reid is dipping into her long history to share stories about the impact of type, on the kids who take the MMTIC assessment, from the perspective of the kids themselves.

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Schoolteacher with diverse children working together on a project in the classroom

An "Aha" Moment: Type in the Classroom (Research Series - NC Part 1)

Aug 02, 2021
Kesstan Blandin, PhD
KESSTAN BLANDIN, PhD is the Vice President of Research and Development at Myers & Briggs Foundation in Gainesville, FL, where she conducts research in Jungian typology and archetypes.
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In this new Research Series, we will highlight studies that are relevant and useful to all of us who work with the MMTIC system. This first series is on a large two-year study at an elementary school in Raleigh, North Carolina, where the MMTIC instrument and system was comprehensively incorporated into the school system.

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Sensor Creativity: Type Tip #11

Sensors begin with the concrete and move to the innovative. They build new creations based on what they know now. The Dyson vacuum is an example. The commercials say "we took what was, then changed the wheels for a ball, changed the suction to have no bag, and now, moved the power to the handle." A new machine was created by starting with the known and moving to the new. This is a great example of the creative process in Sensing types.

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